I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Come share oat with me in your robe
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
