i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
