Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
