I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
