If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
