Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
