she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
