According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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