So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
