i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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