i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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