Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
