I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Send help, water and tortillas.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
