Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
