Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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