I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
