forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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