i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
