You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
