He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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