Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
