I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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