her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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