They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
