I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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