I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
