Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
