mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
