Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
