Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
