foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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