i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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