i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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