Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"