i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
