Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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