when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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