My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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