I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
