My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well I can't set my house on fire every night
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
