I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
