Just fell off a train. Bad.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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