Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
