My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
