That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
