Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
