i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
