weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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