She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
