I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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