I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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