Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
