I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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