I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
