Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
