she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
