I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
