i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
