I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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